The change in weather means a change in wardrobe. But who said I was ready for that? I suppose it's my very own fault that I indulged a bit too much over the holiday season. Nonetheless, I am a California girl, born and bred, which means: when the sun comes out, the clothes come off. MEANING, beaches and... bathing suits. Two piece, in your face, bathing suits. Not only am I not ready for that, but the public sure as heck is not ready for that.
Now don't you go all, "Oh my gosh, no, stop it, you're beautiful," or, "What are you talking about? Don't put yourself down like that," because that's not what I'm saying at all. I do believe that I am beautiful and I am not putting myself down.
Allow me to explain.
Why am I not ready for that? Well, as I mentioned before, I got a little too comfortable with the treats that reign supreme after Turkey Day and yeah, I gained some massive poundage. Weighing myself in the beginning of January, I knew it would be a gruesome number. And yeah, it was. I was at my heaviest once again. But unlike my high school days when I would weigh myself or look in the mirror and shed too many tears over it, I gave a dark chuckle. I saw my body change and I was disappointed with myself. Not to the point of sheer terror but more like, "Wow, was I careless and boy, do I have some work to do." It wasn't as much of a surprise as it was motivating factor. I'm dissatisfied and frankly, slightly overweight. So for the glory of the Lord and for my future, I will lose weight. On that day, I made an executive decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle in order to get me back to a healthy weight and place where I was happy with how my body looked, for me and me alone. And and it wasn't going to be some new years resolution that drifts away midsummer. I was and am serious and I count my calories daily and choose my meals wisely.
What brought me to such a rational and positive conclusion? Well, I took myself up off that scale and researched. Thank the good Lord for WebMD where I can put in all of my information and it can assess where I am at and what I must do to be where I'd like to be. And not only this, it told me the range of weight which is considered healthy for someone of my age, height and weight. Now, that was shocking. My range was from 112 lbs to 150 lbs. Who would've guessed such a scale? So wide. So encouraging. Really! I didn't have to lose thirty pounds to be healthy, but just a few to be okay again. So, heck, if I'm healthy, who's to say my body is wrong? Which brings me to my next address.
Now, why isn't the public okay with where I'm at? And, you know, that really just brings me back to my own thoughts about "the collective human eye." For some reason, the only time I can remember the beach being a place of simple, pure enjoyment was when I was a toddler and had little to no cares about how people perceived me. But, with age and puberty, this little mind of mine, tainted with sin and deception, caused me to stumble and judge myself harshly. Thankfully, through Christ alone, I am now in a place where I really don't care how people look at me and how they judge me from afar. I'm in hot pursuit of being more like Jesus, being sanctified by Him on a daily basis; I'm trying my hardest to consider how he views me. And sure, there are self-conscious twinges that leak through, but it's not as overwhelming anymore.
Yet, why do I still say that "the public sure as heck is not ready for that"? Does this mean I care what they think? No. The public isn't ready because, no matter how I view myself, many people will point their cruel finger at me from a mile away and tell me who or what I am based on my body, especially if I'm actually overweight. No, not everyone thinks that way.
But, in short, it is their own body complex and their own misconceptions about who they think they themselves should be that makes people look at me through such a narrow lens.
And the beach, where people tend to show the most skin, is a breeding ground for unhappy thoughts. It's a Judgment Day merely based on appearance, and that is incredibly unfortunate, 'cause, gosh darn it, I wanna bask in the sunshine and I wanna romp around in the waves; maybe even catch a few with my board. I don't need your eyes on me. But, I know how they would look at me, because I used to look at me that way. Psh, you bet I'm beautiful simply because I know I am the handiwork of the God of the universe. Nonetheless, I know I'm not like those girls in the magazines. This doesn't mean I won't go to the beach, cause I just might. But, honestly, I just don't like being in such a negative environment.
Which brings me to my next point: the irony of society. For my most of my life I have been given many an image of what a woman should do, who she should be and, of course, what an ideal woman should look like. And yes, I am real tired of what the media has to say. I mean, just talking about this issue is obscenely exhausting. It's almost becoming cliché. And, you want to know why? Because I am now twenty years old and for as long as I can remember, there has been both the strife over trying to be that woman and the clamor of trying to tell people that they don't have to be that woman. And the argument rings on even today. But, even though we've been talking about it for over two decades, clothing models aren't getting any bigger unless they are selling specifically to "bigger" women. I can honestly say I have no idea when the madness will end. Jesus, come soon.
Sure there have been campaigns which say, "Hail to the real woman! We're all different! And most of us don't look like that! So why not use a variety of women to sell your clothes, because a variety of women are buying them!"
Quick side note: Imagine if only "skinny" ladies bought clothes at stores like Free People, Urban Outfitters, Target, Hollister, etc. Well, for one, all of us other girls would have to learn to sew. But, most of all, those places would go out of business in a heartbeat. Or maybe even be forced to appeal to everyone? *gasp* But, like a utopian society, the concept is practically unrealistic and I don't think a boycott of such proportions is on the horizon, or even in the distant, distant future. Not to mention most of us don't know how nor do we have the time to make our own. (However, if we did achieve such a skill, I'm sure Joanne's Fabrics would be popping up around town quicker than the speed of your multiple, local Starbucks and the lost art of needlepoint would be lost no longer. Our grandmother's would also give us a hefty high five, I do declare.) I digress.
No matter how much we rant in online articles and support such campaigns, things still aren't changing. Yeah, they're apologizing and removing photographs, but they're not hiring a whole new staff because of one little setback. No, it remains the same as it ever was and little girls like I once was will cry into their mirrors because they don't look like that. Here's hoping that they have mommies strong enough to tell them otherwise!
And let me say, too, that all of this absolutely applies to the male population as well. However, I must state with some certainty, and I think men would agree, that women get the bulk of the scrutiny. Why is this? Maybe because, yeah, we tend to like clothes and makeup and feeling pretty in that new dress and trying out that new mascara. It's fun! It's not to say we aren't just as beautiful with no clothes and no makeup on (oo la la!), but, to me, it's like almost like art. It's an expression of what you like and who you are inside; it displays your personality. And so, we women are their biggest clients and all we're seeing in their ads are women in a weight range that may not even be healthy for us. Lame. So lame. Are there any models out there who are 5'5 and 150 lbs? Doubtful. I don't even know if there are models who are 5'9 and weigh a 150 lbs. Possible, but it's a fat chance (ba dum tss).
Basically, I'm just real tired. Real tired of there not being a girl who looks just like me in a dress that I would look pretty smokin' in. Amiright? I see pretty girls everywhere I go, everywhere I go, everywhere I go and they are wearing some outfit that I admire because, darn it, they look fantastic and they do mostly because of the way their body was made (however that may be). I understand the versatility a slender woman has with a lot of different styles of clothes, so you could say it's easier to dress them. I can tell you right now that there are some items I would feel extremely uncomfortable in because of my body shape. But, many a time I will find that a curvalicious woman would look stellar in a dress that looks alright on a girl half her size, and visa versa.
I'm real tired of the same ole same ole because frankly, that's all I've seen. A change would be ever-so refreshing, thank you very much. It makes me want to make my own line and just do it myself. I don't think anyone would have a problem with that. I feel like most people, too, would find it a novel idea. I suppose you could say it would feel like a Spring after a twenty year long winter (hashtag Narnia).
End rant.
Psalms 139: 13-16
NIV
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
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