Shoes

So I'm going to take a second here and put on someone else's shoes. This particular topic has come up a lot for a long while and I think it's always a good idea to take a step back and see the other side of things:

I'm going to put on the shoes of a Christ-loving, God-fearing heterosexual and I'm going to take a look at my life in accordance to that. In order to firmly grasp (FIRMLY GRASP IT! Patrick? SpongeBob? No?) this perspective I'm going to pretend that God ordained marriage to be between two people of the same gender, and not the opposite. This would mean, that my feelings of attraction towards men would oppose God's intent and homosexual marriage is what God intended for humanity. Let's take a looksee. (And remember that this is hypothetical. When I say, "God says... " it is for the sake of the argument, not what the Lord actually, scripturally, said.)

 

* * * *

Ever since I was little I can remember having an attraction to boys. I remember being on the playground and wishing I could be that guy's girlfriend. As the years went by this attraction didn't go away and I was told that I was supposed to like girls... but I never felt that way about girls... the way you're supposed to feel about girls. I tried, because everyone told me to, but I just couldn't. Along the road I met Jesus and he changed my life. I had hoped that with the renewing of my heart and mind that my attraction would now switch over to girls. It didn't. I still am very much attracted to men.
I'm not going to say that I was not frustrated with God, because, I very much was. And I have pondered so much on it. I look at married couples and see that love and want that love, but... I can't have it? Why can't I? I am being bombarded by society telling me that I have to like girls and I can't get married to a boy.
But... why should I be concerned with what society has to say? I should be concerned with what God has to say. I want to see through God's eyes, I want to look through Christ's lens. And if I believe that The Bible is the holy and infallible word of God, and if I love Jesus with all that I am, heart, soul, strength and mind, then that must mean that I want to be saturated with who he is, what he's about, and be concerned with how He looks at me and what He wants for my life, not what society has to say.
I also have to take a good look at myself. Why am I this way? God knitted me in my mother's womb. And I'm sure I am not an accident. Then why am I so different? God created me, yes? Then why am I attracted to boys! He created me, I like boys, but he tells me I can't be with a boy?
Alright, alright. I am foremost a Christian, and I also can identify as a heterosexual. But, if being heterosexual is a sin (meaning, acting out on my heterosexual tendencies), then why have I been given this? Did God make me this way?
Here's the thing. I'm not just a heterosexual. I'm a sinner in all my rights. I don't just have tendencies towards members of the opposite sex, I also have inclinations to lie, to cuss, to laugh at dirty jokes, to gossip, to think badly about people... the list goes on. And if my temptation towards all of those sins, which have been ingrained in me, is the same as my temptation towards being in a heterosexual relationship with someone, then what am I to say to that? Did God give me this lust? Did God give me this desire to worship other gods besides him?
And now comes the clarity. The reason for my broken nature is the fall of man. Not only does the fall of man explain me, but it explains all of society. I look at society and the marriage that most homosexuals enjoy and I see the emptiness of it all because they don't see the beauty of God's intention. Marriage isn't about us. It's about God; it's about Jesus and The Church; it's a commitment to God as well as to another person, it is a gift of God to be enjoyed, a blessing to be able to fill the earth with God's people, making warriors for the kingdom; it's about so much more than we make of it in our simple minds.
If I want to have nothing to do with the shortcomings of this world and everything to do with Jesus, then I have to take a look at God's nature and God's law. And since I struggle mostly with the sin of heterosexuality, then I want to look at how God intended human relationships before the fall of man; when God looked and said, "It is good," before we messed up and made the choice to do it our own way and rebel against him.
Now, if God wanted man to be with man and woman to be with woman and ordained that only members of the same sex should come together in marriage, then so be it. Where do I get off saying that it should be otherwise? If I have given my life over to him, and promised him that I will try my best to follow him closely, and that means that I cannot marry, nor can I ever go on a date with a man, look at a man with lustful intent, kiss a man, then that is what I am to adhere to. If I want to honor God, then I can't be selfish. I especially can't twist his Word to accommodate my desires. Heck, that's what Satan did in the garden, did he not? And man even added onto the word of God, saying that we could not even touch the fruit let alone eat it. And look where that got us.
Yes, it does make me sad that I have been called to singleness because of my long-held desire towards marriage. If I cannot love a woman the way I would love a man in marriage, then I was not intended for the particular gift of marriage. Clearly, God has something else in mind for me. This doesn't mean I won't struggle at all, because I surely will. But, like I do with all the other sins in my life, I come to Jesus and call on the Holy Spirit to empower me so that I may overcome the desires of my wretched heart, and if I have fallen into them again, so I will come to Him with repentance. He understands the burden this life carries. He walked through this broken world. He knows what the fall has done to mankind. He felt the twinge of temptation. He overcame them. He is my rock and my salvation, and I will carry on with this life by his side, leaning on him, and laying my burdens upon him.
And, above all things, I will remember that he is good. He is just. And he is righteous beyond compare. We cannot fathom his wondrous ways. I know that I have been called according to his purpose, not my own. So I will be joyful and glad. I will count it all as loss for the surpassing worth of him. I am blessed. And I look forward to the days of glory, where there will be no more sorrow, pain or death.. Sin will be finally crushed for eternity and all the brokenness of this world wont even be a memory.

* * * *

 

Alright, so back to actual reality. My heart is brought to some ease knowing that I don't have to struggle with that sort of sin. But, just imagine for a second (if you are not homosexual and you have the desire to be united with someone in marriage one day) that married life was being ripped away from you. That is what it is like for a homosexual.

I have been blessed by the Lord that he has grown me in sanctification over these past few years and brought me out of my selfish thinking when it came to relationships with boys. It used to permeate my mind almost constantly. And, unfortunately, I was very much concerned with how this world was telling me to live in order to obtain affections from men. And, man, it was so screwed up, and it for sure screwed me up. I was terribly insecure and became lustful and I was incredibly unhappy and, frankly, angry with God for not bringing a boy into my life.

My lesson was learned, though. Just last year I caught a glimpse of God's plan for my life may be and realized that dating wouldn't really be wise for me in undergraduate school if it was true. If you've read my previous posts, you'd know that I have never had a boyfriend before, nor been on a date, or anything even close to that (holding hands, kissing, etc.). I had to come to terms with the fact that God has called me to singleness for a time and has asked me, yet again, to be patient. And if I have seen God's hand work in anything, it has been through waiting on him. I have learned that his plan is always, without a doubt, better than whatever I have in mind. And so, I'm gonna struggle a bit over the next few years.

And you know, I could come to find out later on that God has, indeed, called me to a life of singleness and celibacy. And that's hard to hear. Really hard to hear. But, like Jesus brought me out of the place I was in a few years ago, he can certainly draw me nearer to him and help me through life without a husband.

I believe that Jesus can change any heart, and, through sanctification, he can make our burden grow lighter. I do believe, and I think society might condemn me for saying this, that homosexuality is a result of the fall. But like the MANY, MANY other results of the fall (which, by the way, as a side note, include natural disasters, diseases, physical impairments and anything that is not good by God's standards) that we humans struggle with, we have to press on through them, fight against them, and look towards Jesus as we run this race. I'm not saying that the homosexual person will stop being homosexual, but when there is a result of the fall that causes you to want to sin, then we must try to avoid falling into temptation and acting upon it. We don't want to rebel against the one who bled for us, who saved us from the fate of The Father's righteous judgment upon those who turned away from him.

And we must, must, remember the greatest commandment which is to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your mind and with all of your strength. And, secondly, to love your neighbor as yourself. We are to first love God with all that we are, and this should take over every aspect of our lives. And from this love, we are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We were all created in the image of God, yet all of us have fallen short of the glory because of the choice we made to sin against him. We are all struggling with the results of the fall, and we must all make a choice to either give in or give it to Jesus, because he is the only one that saves us from it and the fate it brings us. We are to love the liar, the prostitute, the atheist, the homosexual, the "Christian" who knows nothing about Jesus, the guy with the picket sign yelling blasphemies in the name of our Lord and so on. We are all in the same boat. I am not deserving of glory just like everyone else.

I could go on with this post and talk about what marriage was intended to look like. In a nutshell, our purpose on the earth is to glorify and worship God and thus our marriage should reflect Him as well. If I start to go on, I could go on forever about the beauty of that marriage and how marriage has been so tainted by sinful man (whether that's heterosexual or homosexual - I mean look at the divorce rate!), but I won't. I will simply end with this.

I mourn with the Jesus-loving homosexual as I mourn with everyone else struggling with even the simplest of sins. The earth itself even groans underneath the curse. My goodness, Jesus mourned with his friends at the death of Lazarus even though he knew he would raise him up only moments later. He was mourning over the results of the fall and what it had done to his people. Sin and death are holding us captive, and he has come to redeem us and call us out of the grave. He made the greatest sacrifice for us, now we must respond by sacrificing for him.



 

It Is Well With My Soul

Horatio G. Spafford

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

Now, About the Bod...

So I know that I have been tirelessly talking about body image and blah blah blah, but it seems that each time I go somewhere or do something, there's another advertisement or another post about people and their bodies and bodies and BODIES and SO MANY BODIES. I've already explain how tired I am. So very tired.
But when I'm on Pinterest and a pin comes up about some Victoria Secret model at a luncheon for some swanky fashion designer, all I can think is... Who. Flippin. Cares?! Is she curing cancer while she eats her dressing-less salad? I mean, I'm sure the woman is great. Or maybe she's not. That's not my point. My point is that, even though she's aesthetically pleasing, why OH WHY would I want to pin her? Because she's beautiful? It's just a body. And when this world looks at that particular body made in a particular way, the world just so happens to say, "That there. That's really pleasing to mine eyes."
Bones, muscle, blood, skin and a lot of other kooky things mixed in. Yes, we are magnificent creatures, fearfully and wonderfully made by an even more magnificent God. But, are we NOT missing the point here? Our bodies will shrivel up and turn to dust. Our souls last for eternity.
I scroll down more. At least two pins come up telling me different steps to a certain workout, and what so happens to be the backdrop? Some perfectly tan stomach with gracefully chiseled abs.
My grandparents are now 90 years + and I don't think either of them have had perfectly chiseled abs ever in their life. Maybe my grandpa, but that man went through three wars, so it wouldn't surprise me if he did. This is no tangent I've gone on, this is me saying that you can be incredibly healthy and live to 100 and not have perfectly chiseled abs and a sun kissed, bronze glaze. As I mentioned before, yes I am trying to become more healthy and yes I am trying to work out at least once a day and get my heart rate up, but my health is not dependent on how toned I become. No, I'm not throwing everything out the window, and maybe I'll develop some ab definition after working out and losing weight, but it would be in pursuit of physical health solely, not the abdominals that make the fellas holla.
Now I'm not going to say that my heart doesn't flutter a little when I see a picture of Henry Cavill rocking his Superman suit, because, hey, it does. And, yes, sometimes the physical beauty of a person can be seen as a form of art. But, it's dangerous territory to admire beauty as it is. Guess who just so happened to be really, really, really good looking and incredibly talented? No, not Derek Zoolander. Yes. That's right. It's Satan. So let's not get too carried away with our appreciation of the Lord's handiwork, hmm? It distracts from the actual creator when we focus far too much on the creation. I appreciate talent, and yes modeling can be hard work, but when society is so wrapped up in this body image debacle, we should be more careful with who we're admiring and why. Remembering the one who pours out such blessings as talent and beauty is where we remain safe from the lies that we can so easily be deceived by. It is even more wonderful and respectable when those blessings are used as tools to build towards God's Kingdom.

My main point? External beauty is irrelevant to our eternity in joy and to the work we are doing while we wait for our Savior to return. So get your nose out of the magazines and fix your eyes on Jesus.

"Beauty -- be not caused -- It Is --"

by Emily Dickinson

 

Beauty -- be not caused -- It Is --
Chase it, and it ceases --
Chase it not, and it abides --

Overtake the Creases

In the Meadow -- when the Wind
Runs his fingers thro' it --
Deity will see to it
That You never do it --

  

Contentment // Christians & Dating Pt. 1

I have written before about my ultimately single state and I have written before about my contentment, but what I'm about to discuss is something I haven't yet touched on to this degree. Now, this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, but mostly to those fitting in this little slot that I find myself in as well.

With a new generation and a new kind of world, change occurs rapidly. With no compass, people of this world wander about trying to make sense of things. But some "truths" remain self-evident: Dating is a very regular, very normal thing to the world and if you aren't doing it then maybe there's something wrong with you. From a Christian perspective, it is not so.

Now I am twenty years old. For some that would mean that I am at an age where marriage is somewhat appropriate. Nonetheless, I am approaching an age of union, togetherness, and, yes, baby making. Weird. But true. I have some friends who may have already met their match and others who are still "in the market." But I am neither. And why? Here's why.

As I said, I've mentioned before about how single I am. As a recap, I'll tell you that, never have I ever: had a boyfriend, been on a date, held hands with another boy, nor had my first kiss. Yes, I am as single as it gets. If you'll remember correctly, I am full of joy and am completely satisfied in my current state. But here's something that I know now that I didn't necessarily know back then: my dreams are taking me in places that I couldn't have imagined... and those places; those achievements prevent me from taking someone for my own at present and in the near future.

My friend and I like to joke about the thought process we possessed as teenagers. Junior High: Oh, yeah, we'll definitely have boyfriends in high school. For sure. There's like 500 kids at that school. We're bound to find someone who will have us. High School: You kidding me? College is the breeding ground for relationships, if there ever was one. I mean, Ring by Spring? Ever heard of it? That is where dating really goes down.

And now, little old university me looks at my next two years and says.... Grad School. Yup. Final answer. That's it. I'm going to fly to London, go to Grad School, meet my British sweetheart and live happily ever after with my royal hubby. But who's to say that will really work out? Obviously God has had a bigger and better plan in mind this whole time and continues to surprise me.

But what are my intentions? In whom do they lie? What is my ultimate goal and how am I to reach it?

This is where I find a little piece of wisdom that should be looked at when the question of dating really comes up. Who should I date? Should I even date at all?

"But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." Song of Solomon 2:7

My life's goal is to bring glory to the Lord, seeking after His Kingdom and His righteousness and to fear him for all that He is. Everything I do and everything I intend to do should be centered around him, his commands, and his ultimate plan for my life.

Now where exactly does dating come into play for me if I'm first seeking to better myself in Him to prepare myself for my work for his kingdom? I want to go to grad school so I can get as much knowledge as I can on the subject I am studying so that my ultimate work can bring him glory and honor. That is my priority. So where does a man fit in? Well if the Lord is leading me overseas, then any relationship I were to have now would have to end.... unless he followed me all the way there. I mean, through the Lord, anything could happen; it's possible, but not probable.

But my situation is unique. Or is it?

Well, yes. It is, technically. But in this day and age, women are looking to study hard for a potential career. No, I'm no feminist, but women have made strides over the past few decades to accomplish a lot of leeway for our sex in that job-fighting jungle. But women have a special place in God's eyes in which many feminists or liberals of the world today would look down upon, saying that we women are not "helping the cause" or "reaching our potential."

What I'm talking about now are my friends who have chosen the life of a stay at home mom. They have no educational intentions towards a career. Sure, they want to grow in their intelligence, learning more about God's great creation, but they would rather just dedicate their lives to being both a wife and mother. That's their road, and dating for them is an open door to their goal to achieve their work for God's kingdom.

However, no matter what your intentions are, whether they are to establish a career first and then focus on marriage and motherhood, or to skip the first and run straight to home, dating is a tricky, sticky situation. Like the verse from Song of Solomon, dating must be handled with caution; we don't want to arouse or awaken anything that God wants kept quietly sleeping.

A few years ago, my group of friends, all Christ-loving children of God, tried to tackle this "dating" thing. The question was: What is the most holy way of dating? ..... Now that seems absolutely awful. To the untrained ear, "Holy Dating" sounds as if it would require rules such as: both parties must wear monk attire, must not make direct eye contact and stay at least thirty-nine and a half feet away from each other at all times. And touching is strictly prohibited. Don't even think about, you Jezebel, you.

But honestly, if our goal as followers of Christ is to be sanctified daily, bring glory to the Lord and walk in his truth, we as saints are striving for holiness, because our savior was, indeed, holy (and thankfully, by his blood, we are too!). If everything we do, we do in lieu of who he is, then dating, yes, must be sought after in holiness and, yes, for his glory and not just our ultimate enjoyment.

Stop, Olivia. You're taking the fun out of everything, you fun sucker. You bitterly single fun sucker.

Hey, hey, hey! Who said dating was now made void? Cause it isn't necessarily. No no. We will not be going back to arranged marriages here. As I said before, this world is ever changing and with it, traditions are abolished and new ways are brought into full view. But we as Christians must figure out how to live in it while not being of it.

I was recently reading through Song of Solomon in my ESV Study Bible cause I'm kinky like that. While looking over Wayne Grudem's footnotes on each verse I was brought to a richer understanding of the text (I focused mostly on the "She" or "Bride's" Chapter's or Sections). Clearly, these two are very much in love. However, they lie in wait of one another, as they are betrothed and have not yet undergone the marriage ceremony which happens later on in the book. The key word here is "betrothed." In this day, we'd call that engaged because they are undoubtedly going to be married to one another.
*It is good to also note that, back then, kissing in a romantic sense, was only left for private places. Kissing, like family member kissing, was open and welcome. The bride-to-be says that she wishes that her beloved was her brother so that she could kiss him openly and as often as she'd like.
Song of Solomon is our only full book in the Bible solely dedicated to a love story, and one which has probably the most varying interpretations of any other book. But, as I read it, I get a sense for both the story of two people in love with each other and also the divine romance that occurs between Christ and his bride, the church.

But, where is dating in the Bible?

Yeah, no it's not there. Dating wasn't really a "thing" back then. But we do know that, as the Bride of SoS talks to other ladies who have not yet been spoken for, she warns them against "arousing or awakening love."

Oh, yeah. That's just like sex and sexual stuff. Oh, we know that. Yeah, that one's obvious.

But, can it just mean sex? Or can it simply mean "love," i.e. being in love? And how does one arouse that feeling of love? That commitment of love? That rock that is love? There are many different kinds of love, but, like the love between Christ and his Bride, it is a love that conquers death and that brings new life. Now that's love.

Well, after seeing the trial and error that my friends went through (both metaphorically and literally), I know one thing that remains true: God is enough. Though your heart may yearn for a kiss, a hand, a touch, a word from someone you admire, God is enough to sustain you. And when you meet someone who you think is the one, and you want to cuddle all over them and show them your love, God will "satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land." Remember who you're really committed to and you will not be shattered.

And there may be a time ordained for you, to find the one you are to love but before them come others who shadow in comparison. But, how are you to discern? You don't know who's out there. You hardly know what you want. How are you to know if the one who could be is not the one who will?

I could go into detail about what different types of dating my friends and I came up with, but that woud make this post more like a novel. I'll save those details for another time, I think. But, I will mention one thing that was extremely important in our analysis of our dating how tos:

No expectations.

Seems pretty simple, right? Well, as a lady, I can tell you that that is no short order. Especially as a girl with an insatiably wild imagination. I mean, even when I see a cute guy pass me in the hall I think about what our children would look like. (Yeah, girls are nuts. I'm not the only one). And at an age where our hearts are itching, it's hard when you think you've met the one you're going to marry to not get a little carried away with the planning. Sometimes, it's even mutual; both parties are planning together and lo and behold, it comes to an end. See that red alert? Again, no expectations. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. If there is no real commitment then there's no guarantee that it's going to work out.

So proceed with caution. Keep it incredibly friendly, especially in the beginning. And, please, try to hold back on the physical side of things. Always strive for purity and holiness and know that your Savior, too, was tempted and overcame it. Let him inspire you. Yes, you may date people if you so choose, but verbalize strict boundaries and keep your husband in mind... MEANING: You must remember that if you do end up marrying someone, you do not know who he is at present. Therefore, be wary of your actions with the one you're dating. And in this crazy process, you may get hurt and you may falter, but the rain will strengthen your soul in the end and you will grow. And, most importantly, always remember to keep your sights set on the kingdom; run the race set before you; run to Jesus.

And, with joy, we can know that, if God so wills it, your beloved will come, daughters, and he'll be running that race right along side you. He will be before you and you will search him and you will learn him and you will find him in his mind and in his heart and realize that he has the same core doctrines as you; he is lover of Christ. And he surprises you and you grow in your knowledge and wisdom from him and he from you daily and he makes you want to be better. You find an affection and a care for him. And all of a sudden, you have grown so deep that your friendship becomes something more. And so oxygen floods the embers, and the thoughts begin to race and the dreams begin to grow. But, you check yourself. But, you remain at bay. You remember her words and know that you stand on dangerous ground. But so does he. And there are no aversions. And it is a love that forgives and a love that forgets and a love that is willing to die so that the other may live. It mirrors our Lord and his beloved. And there you find the commitment and there you find the ring that means forever and it is there that the journey has only just begun.

For me, I've got my priorities and I know where I stand. I know that my patience must be stretched a little longer. But I know, oh how I know, that my God has sustained me, that he is blessing me and that it is good. I used to be a wreck when it came to thoughts of love. I used to mourn over it. It was shameful, I do admit. But in my heart and in my mind I am convinced that the love of the Lord is sharp and true and his plan overarches my life; I'm on the float, but he's looking at the whole parade. And I trust in him and in his word, in his promises. I know that his plans are better than mine and that the wait will be so very worth it.

With faith I press on in contentment and in joy.

Real Tired: A Springtime Rant by Yours Truly

As this new year rolls in and the season of flowers, sunshine and butterflies breaks through the fog and frost, I consider a few things.
The change in weather means a change in wardrobe. But who said I was ready for that? I suppose it's my very own fault that I indulged a bit too much over the holiday season. Nonetheless, I am a California girl, born and bred, which means: when the sun comes out, the clothes come off. MEANING, beaches and... bathing suits. Two piece, in your face, bathing suits. Not only am I not ready for that, but the public sure as heck is not ready for that.
Now don't you go all, "Oh my gosh, no, stop it, you're beautiful," or, "What are you talking about? Don't put yourself down like that," because that's not what I'm saying at all. I do believe that I am beautiful and I am not putting myself down.
Allow me to explain.
Why am I not ready for that? Well, as I mentioned before, I got a little too comfortable with the treats that reign supreme after Turkey Day and yeah, I gained some massive poundage. Weighing myself in the beginning of January, I knew it would be a gruesome number. And yeah, it was. I was at my heaviest once again. But unlike my high school days when I would weigh myself or look in the mirror and shed too many tears over it, I gave a dark chuckle. I saw my body change and I was disappointed with myself. Not to the point of sheer terror but more like, "Wow, was I careless and boy, do I have some work to do." It wasn't as much of a surprise as it was motivating factor. I'm dissatisfied and frankly, slightly overweight. So for the glory of the Lord and for my future, I will lose weight. On that day, I made an executive decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle in order to get me back to a healthy weight and place where I was happy with how my body looked, for me and me alone. And and it wasn't going to be some new years resolution that drifts away midsummer. I was and am serious and I count my calories daily and choose my meals wisely.
What brought me to such a rational and positive conclusion? Well, I took myself up off that scale and researched. Thank the good Lord for WebMD where I can put in all of my information and it can assess where I am at and what I must do to be where I'd like to be. And not only this, it told me the range of weight which is considered healthy for someone of my age, height and weight. Now, that was shocking. My range was from 112 lbs to 150 lbs. Who would've guessed such a scale? So wide. So encouraging. Really! I didn't have to lose thirty pounds to be healthy, but just a few to be okay again. So, heck, if I'm healthy, who's to say my body is wrong? Which brings me to my next address.
Now, why isn't the public okay with where I'm at? And, you know, that really just brings me back to my own thoughts about "the collective human eye." For some reason, the only time I can remember the beach being a place of simple, pure enjoyment was when I was a toddler and had little to no cares about how people perceived me. But, with age and puberty, this little mind of mine, tainted with sin and deception, caused me to stumble and judge myself harshly. Thankfully, through Christ alone, I am now in a place where I really don't care how people look at me and how they judge me from afar. I'm in hot pursuit of being more like Jesus, being sanctified by Him on a daily basis; I'm trying my hardest to consider how he views me. And sure, there are self-conscious twinges that leak through, but it's not as overwhelming anymore.
Yet, why do I still say that "the public sure as heck is not ready for that"?  Does this mean I care what they think? No. The public isn't ready because, no matter how I view myself, many people will point their cruel finger at me from a mile away and tell me who or what I am based on my body, especially if I'm actually overweight. No, not everyone thinks that way.

But, in short, it is their own body complex and their own misconceptions about who they think they themselves should be that makes people look at me through such a narrow lens.


And the beach, where people tend to show the most skin, is a breeding ground for unhappy thoughts. It's a Judgment Day merely based on appearance, and that is incredibly unfortunate, 'cause, gosh darn it, I wanna bask in the sunshine and I wanna romp around in the waves; maybe even catch a few with my board. I don't need your eyes on me. But, I know how they would look at me, because I used to look at me that way. Psh, you bet I'm beautiful simply because I know I am the handiwork of the God of the universe. Nonetheless, I know I'm not like those girls in the magazines. This doesn't mean I won't go to the beach, cause I just might. But, honestly, I just don't like being in such a negative environment.
Which brings me to my next point: the irony of society. For my most of my life I have been given many an image of what a woman should do, who she should be and, of course, what an ideal woman should look like. And yes, I am real tired of what the media has to say. I mean, just talking about this issue is obscenely exhausting. It's almost becoming cliché. And, you want to know why? Because I am now twenty years old and for as long as I can remember, there has been both the strife over trying to be that woman and the clamor of trying to tell people that they don't have to be that woman. And the argument rings on even today. But, even though we've been talking about it for over two decades, clothing models aren't getting any bigger unless they are selling specifically to "bigger" women. I can honestly say I have no idea when the madness will end. Jesus, come soon.
Sure there have been campaigns which say, "Hail to the real woman! We're all different! And most of us don't look like that! So why not use a variety of women to sell your clothes, because a variety of women are buying them!"
Quick side note: Imagine if only "skinny" ladies bought clothes at stores like Free People, Urban Outfitters, Target, Hollister, etc. Well, for one, all of us other girls would have to learn to sew. But, most of all, those places would go out of business in a heartbeat. Or maybe even be forced to appeal to everyone? *gasp* But, like a utopian society, the concept is practically unrealistic and I don't think a boycott of such proportions is on the horizon, or even in the distant, distant future. Not to mention most of us don't know how nor do we have the time to make our own. (However, if we did achieve such a skill, I'm sure Joanne's Fabrics would be popping up around town quicker than the speed of your multiple, local Starbucks and the lost art of needlepoint would be lost no longer. Our grandmother's would also give us a hefty high five, I do declare.) I digress.
No matter how much we rant in online articles and support such campaigns, things still aren't changing. Yeah, they're apologizing and removing photographs, but they're not hiring a whole new staff because of one little setback. No, it remains the same as it ever was and little girls like I once was will cry into their mirrors because they don't look like that. Here's hoping that they have mommies strong enough to tell them otherwise!
And let me say, too, that all of this absolutely applies to the male population as well. However, I must state with some certainty, and I think men would agree, that women get the bulk of the scrutiny. Why is this? Maybe because, yeah, we tend to like clothes and makeup and feeling pretty in that new dress and trying out that new mascara. It's fun! It's not to say we aren't just as beautiful with no clothes and no makeup on (oo la la!), but, to me, it's like almost like art. It's an expression of what you like and who you are inside; it displays your personality. And so, we women are their biggest clients and all we're seeing in their ads are women in a weight range that may not even be healthy for us. Lame. So lame. Are there any models out there who are 5'5 and 150 lbs? Doubtful. I don't even know if there are models who are 5'9 and weigh a 150 lbs. Possible, but it's a fat chance (ba dum tss).
Basically, I'm just real tired. Real tired of there not being a girl who looks just like me in a dress that I would look pretty smokin' in. Amiright? I see pretty girls everywhere I go, everywhere I go, everywhere I go and they are wearing some outfit that I admire because, darn it, they look fantastic and they do mostly because of the way their body was made (however that may be). I understand the versatility a slender woman has with a lot of different styles of clothes, so you could say it's easier to dress them. I can tell you right now that there are some items I would feel extremely uncomfortable in because of my body shape. But, many a time I will find that a curvalicious woman would look stellar in a dress that looks alright on a girl half her size, and visa versa.
I'm real tired of the same ole same ole because frankly, that's all I've seen. A change would be ever-so refreshing, thank you very much. It makes me want to make my own line and just do it myself. I don't think anyone would have a problem with that. I feel like most people, too, would find it a novel idea. I suppose you could say it would feel like a Spring after a twenty year long winter (hashtag Narnia).
End rant.

 

Psalms 139: 13-16

NIV

 

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Poetry Hour: Entry 4: The Divide

The Divide

 

Such destruction. Such a divide.

Our generation draws the line.

The gray grows opaque and our eyes can

 differentiate

the state that we are in.

 

A price will be paid.

A choice must be made.

Believe in yourself

or hold onto your faith.

 

Such disruption. A vivid divide.

There are only two, so pick a side.

You're in or you're out, so rethink all your

doubts

and shout loud and drown the din.

 

The masters are chosen.

Whether you think so or not.

Come together, cast your lot.

Here we are, unwoven.

 

Self destruction. Such a collide.

Our generation takes their sides.

The gray is gone and with the dawn our blades are

drawn

and the fawn will feel his sin.

 

Lead us into battle.

The Sun covers the sky.

The chains begin to rattle.

One of us must die.

 

 

 

Begin Again // The Getaway

2014. One more big year for me; a big year of change. I will turn 21, begin my education at an actual University and officially start living on my own. I sense that in the coming years I will grow in ways I couldn't have imagined myself. 2013 was precious to me and I will always remember it as a time when I truly let go and took hold of myself. It opened me up to be a person who isn't as afraid, who dares to do things independently, who let's loose of strings that once were tied too tight. I find that I am now a woman of more strength and understanding, yet still am humbled by the immense amount of things that remain a mystery to me. I faced struggles within and outside of myself and fought through them with the Lord's help alone and I remain thankful for each trial, for each storm, for each tear and each lesson learned; I have faith that whenever a part of me is cut away I am formed and chiseled into what the Lord shall make of me. He is always good. So very, very good. No matter what fog clouds my eyes, what pain is in front of or behind me, He is good.

2014 stands before me, glimmering with the unknown. I find that each year, the zone of comfort I have developed for myself dwindles further still and I must learn how to exist more and more on my own. Little by little people drift away that were once so near and the challenges of independence stare me in the face more than ever. Soon enough, I'll have just me and my Jesus as I take myself across the pond again... but I'll worry about that when it is upon me.

Now, I must buckle down because I know I have to. If I want to achieve my dreams I must work at them and finishing a major and minor in just two years is going to take a lot of dedication, not to mention trying to save up for grad school along the way. But I'm ready for it. I notice now looking back that I have been preparing to take on this sort of load for some time now and I didn't even realize it. So, let this year be another year of change, another year of growth and, especially, another year of inexplicable ADVENTURE.

 

Isaiah 40:30-31

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."