Poetry Hour: Entry 13 - Buried Alive

A poem like this deserves context. Maybe so people don't freak out and send help. Please don't. I already have that.

Though this poem is dark, I'm alright. I assure you. However, the feelings are real and the words come from a place of depth, of meaning, of fear, of human condition and weakness.

I had a spiritual high very recently - not two months ago. But with a high such as that, I worried during it what the dry season afterwards would look like. I know these things come in waves; I was bound to come down sometime... I just didn't know how far down I'd fall. 

Well, I couldn't help it quite honestly. My anxiety from the past began to come back and this time with a friend called depression. I believe this poem kind of describes what it's like within it, at least for me. It sounds similar to when I wrote about my anxiety attack, because it is similar. They are different though. I've never been, at least in my adult life, in this place before, as low as I am. I would say it's a lot of apathy towards myself paired with the onset of random sadness, mostly occurring when I'm alone.

Now, to end, hear this: my current condition doesn't mean I love God any less or am trusting him any less than I did when I was on top of that mountain with him. That's not what depression or anxiety is. On the contrary, we two are pushing through this. I am yoked with him and I look forward to see how he works, because he is so strong and so good. So very good. 

Buried Alive

It's getting harder to hide. 

I'm falling apart on the inside.

It's a speeding car without breaks

heading straight 

for a brick wall. 

Maybe if you were to call 

out to me I'd break free; 

finally flee 

from this speed 

and just slowly bleed 

in your arms. 

But I'm not pretty enough for you to want to save me; 

I've got nothing in the way of charms. 

So I'll just crash like crazy 

and hope I don't cause any harm.

It's in a shell I recoil; 

a breathing corpse grasping at the soil. 

I'm in a body unwanted, 

soul haunted 

with pain and grief. 

Maybe, for a moment brief, 

you would attempt to see 

the depth of me 

that lies 'neath 

the shroud of my teeth 

gleaming bright. 

But my smile has always been a kind of release for them;

I've given every inch of my light.

So I'll keep my sorrow hidden

and hope they aren't feeling my fight.

It's suffocating, the ground -

the dirt so thick you can't hear a sound.

I'm choking on rocks in my throat;

my lungs coat

with the dark grave

that slips and begins to cave

in on the hollow bones 

shaking alone

in my skin;

the air growing thin

without you.

But because I still lie alive in this body of death

I find a longing still lingers through.

So I'll savor every single one of my breaths 

and claw away to a surface new.

On the Juke: Julien Baker & Phoebe Bridgers

Julien Baker, with Sprained Ankle and Phoebe Bridgers with her three song album Killer, pairing with her single "Waiting Room" seem to musically intertwine in my mind. These two distinct people with two distinct albums seem incredibly akin to one another. So simple, yet so unique. Not much in the way of sound experimentation, but rather in a guitar fueled desolate beauty. These two women seem to embody the heart of folk in a haunting sort of way.

In my own opinion, and maybe this is just from my lack of this particular ability, the best sort of writing is the writing that can capture a very poignant idea in the fewest words possible. Poetry often does this. To have a unique experience, record that through words, yet still have another person or even many people connect with it because of their common humanity is a beautiful thing. These two women seem to do just that with their music.

Through their individual hard times, the emotions and memories conveyed through their simple sounds and simple lyrics are genius, really. Complicated situations are broken down into mere clips, mere fragments that convey an entire story, an entire relationship or injury, situation, whatever.
Though they don't have a lot of music out, this leaves listeners hungry for more. It's the sheer, raw sadness, depression, love. They wreak with depth of emotion, touching on some of the barest human experiences one could have, exploring the lowest of the lows, screaming out for the highest highs.

For me, in this season, coming out from a serious spiritual high, they are a cold warmth over my contemplative heart and soul. If you're willing to feel, put their albums through on your queue. Just remember: open your eyes and hold your nose - you're about to dive real deep.

P.S. Both of their albums are available on Spotify, however if you want more from Bridgers than just four songs, check out her Soundcloud page https://soundcloud.com/phoebebridgers

Photo courtesy of https://julienbaker.bandcamp.com/

Photo courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/phoebebridgers/