December Daze

December is just around the corner. Yes, it's the last month of the year. 2013, you have been so kind to me in so many ways. I've had so many adventures that I will remember forever. It seemed that with each month of this year I was filled with something new and I realize how very blessed I was with that.
I think December will bring a lot of reflection. But there is one thing that I have to keep in check during this season which seems to pinch at my little heart every year.
If Valentine's Day has been dubbed Single Awareness Day, then I think December can also hold that name under it's belt as well... for the entire month. Single Awareness Month. Now this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because, well, I've been single for the entirety of my life.
"Whoa, what? you're 20 and have never had a boyfriend?"

"Whoa, what? I'm 20 and have never been on a date, been kissed, held anyone's hand or had any degree of significant other? Man. That's weird. I'm weird."

 When I was in seventh grade an eighth grade boy I had just met found out that I, at thirteen, had never had a boyfriend and he found that to be incredibly strange. Well, look at me now, adolescent male! Free from any tarnish that could be given via romance! Single and loving it!

Well, maybe that's not totally true. With December telling me that another year has passed and still my love life remains stagnant, I take my time and my prayers and I think and talk about it. I recall my heart's desires even as a little girl. I remember being actually torn over a crush in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN. And I still remember the feeling. I remember the sleepless naptimes. Yes, sleepless naptimes, where I would stare across the room at him, hoping that he would stare back. I was, what, 6 years old? Fourteen years later and I still often lie awake and think but this time on my bed and pillow rather than my Rollie Pollie. My imagination runs insatiably wild these days and sometimes I wish it would stop. Sometimes I wish my mind wasn't so prone to wander into surreal storylines that make my heart yearn for something that isn't there.
But this imagination of mine makes me who I am. If I didn't have these vivid pictures racing through my brain I don't think I could tell a story as good as I know I can. There also is an insightful sense that accompanies many years without someone so close to you. I stand back, above and beyond the noise, and listen and puzzle and assess and find out answers of my own from the lives of others.
Not to mention that if I had had someone there in the state that I was in in say, high school? then I don't believe I would be the person I am today. I realize now that, although I thought I was of both a strong mind and will, I was so very fragile back then; so very malleable. I'm sure I would have held back any part of me that I thought a boy would disapprove of so that we could be happy and I could have my romance. Now that's unhealthy.
It surprises me how well I have taken being so single for so long. I am incredibly content and I am full of joy. I know that this is Jesus' doing completely and totally. My goodness, I can scarcely think of what I would be like without him. I know I would be a mess. A total mess. My fragility would have been taken advantage of. If I were to be single right now in that other life, I think I'd be in hot pursuit of another man to hold during this snuggle season. I am so thankful for this savior of mine.
And it is out of this gratitude that I stay patient. Yes, I have been patient for quite some time but I refuse to settle for something or someone who isn't more than adequate to my (and His) set standards. I guess that might sound a little pretentious, but it is kind of a big deal if you think about it.
So I journey on. Another Christmas without someone to cuddle, another New Years without a midnight kiss; another year gone without a beau to call my own.

And I am so okay. Like, more than okay. I'm great. I am so blessed and loved that I for sure don't need anyone other than my gracious God. But I have a loving family, wonderful friends and a body of believers surrounding me and a future ahead of me. I do want, if I'm being totally honest, and maybe that's selfish of me, but it is how I feel. But, gosh, I certainly don't need.
And so I'll make my hot cocoa and my cookies with my ladies and I'll open the presents given to me by my family and loved ones on Christmas morning with no aversions. I'll write my poetry with colors filling my head, and I'll sing with the voice of someone full of dreams. I will live for now and for what is to come and look back only to learn from what has passed.
Imma do me. And Imma be happy.

it is at moments after I have dreamed

E.E. Cummings

it is at moments after i have dreamed
of the rare entertainment of your eyes,
when(being fool to fancy)i have deemed

with your peculiar mouth my heart made wise;
at moments when the glassy darkness holds

the genuine apparition of your smile
(it was through tears always)and silence moulds
such strangeness as was mine a little while;

moments when my once more illustrious arms
are filled with fascination, when my breast
wears the intolerant brightness of your charms:

one pierced moment whiter than the rest

—turning from the tremendous lie of sleep
i watch the roses of the day grow deep.