Contentment // Christians & Dating Pt. 1

I have written before about my ultimately single state and I have written before about my contentment, but what I'm about to discuss is something I haven't yet touched on to this degree. Now, this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, but mostly to those fitting in this little slot that I find myself in as well.

With a new generation and a new kind of world, change occurs rapidly. With no compass, people of this world wander about trying to make sense of things. But some "truths" remain self-evident: Dating is a very regular, very normal thing to the world and if you aren't doing it then maybe there's something wrong with you. From a Christian perspective, it is not so.

Now I am twenty years old. For some that would mean that I am at an age where marriage is somewhat appropriate. Nonetheless, I am approaching an age of union, togetherness, and, yes, baby making. Weird. But true. I have some friends who may have already met their match and others who are still "in the market." But I am neither. And why? Here's why.

As I said, I've mentioned before about how single I am. As a recap, I'll tell you that, never have I ever: had a boyfriend, been on a date, held hands with another boy, nor had my first kiss. Yes, I am as single as it gets. If you'll remember correctly, I am full of joy and am completely satisfied in my current state. But here's something that I know now that I didn't necessarily know back then: my dreams are taking me in places that I couldn't have imagined... and those places; those achievements prevent me from taking someone for my own at present and in the near future.

My friend and I like to joke about the thought process we possessed as teenagers. Junior High: Oh, yeah, we'll definitely have boyfriends in high school. For sure. There's like 500 kids at that school. We're bound to find someone who will have us. High School: You kidding me? College is the breeding ground for relationships, if there ever was one. I mean, Ring by Spring? Ever heard of it? That is where dating really goes down.

And now, little old university me looks at my next two years and says.... Grad School. Yup. Final answer. That's it. I'm going to fly to London, go to Grad School, meet my British sweetheart and live happily ever after with my royal hubby. But who's to say that will really work out? Obviously God has had a bigger and better plan in mind this whole time and continues to surprise me.

But what are my intentions? In whom do they lie? What is my ultimate goal and how am I to reach it?

This is where I find a little piece of wisdom that should be looked at when the question of dating really comes up. Who should I date? Should I even date at all?

"But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." Song of Solomon 2:7

My life's goal is to bring glory to the Lord, seeking after His Kingdom and His righteousness and to fear him for all that He is. Everything I do and everything I intend to do should be centered around him, his commands, and his ultimate plan for my life.

Now where exactly does dating come into play for me if I'm first seeking to better myself in Him to prepare myself for my work for his kingdom? I want to go to grad school so I can get as much knowledge as I can on the subject I am studying so that my ultimate work can bring him glory and honor. That is my priority. So where does a man fit in? Well if the Lord is leading me overseas, then any relationship I were to have now would have to end.... unless he followed me all the way there. I mean, through the Lord, anything could happen; it's possible, but not probable.

But my situation is unique. Or is it?

Well, yes. It is, technically. But in this day and age, women are looking to study hard for a potential career. No, I'm no feminist, but women have made strides over the past few decades to accomplish a lot of leeway for our sex in that job-fighting jungle. But women have a special place in God's eyes in which many feminists or liberals of the world today would look down upon, saying that we women are not "helping the cause" or "reaching our potential."

What I'm talking about now are my friends who have chosen the life of a stay at home mom. They have no educational intentions towards a career. Sure, they want to grow in their intelligence, learning more about God's great creation, but they would rather just dedicate their lives to being both a wife and mother. That's their road, and dating for them is an open door to their goal to achieve their work for God's kingdom.

However, no matter what your intentions are, whether they are to establish a career first and then focus on marriage and motherhood, or to skip the first and run straight to home, dating is a tricky, sticky situation. Like the verse from Song of Solomon, dating must be handled with caution; we don't want to arouse or awaken anything that God wants kept quietly sleeping.

A few years ago, my group of friends, all Christ-loving children of God, tried to tackle this "dating" thing. The question was: What is the most holy way of dating? ..... Now that seems absolutely awful. To the untrained ear, "Holy Dating" sounds as if it would require rules such as: both parties must wear monk attire, must not make direct eye contact and stay at least thirty-nine and a half feet away from each other at all times. And touching is strictly prohibited. Don't even think about, you Jezebel, you.

But honestly, if our goal as followers of Christ is to be sanctified daily, bring glory to the Lord and walk in his truth, we as saints are striving for holiness, because our savior was, indeed, holy (and thankfully, by his blood, we are too!). If everything we do, we do in lieu of who he is, then dating, yes, must be sought after in holiness and, yes, for his glory and not just our ultimate enjoyment.

Stop, Olivia. You're taking the fun out of everything, you fun sucker. You bitterly single fun sucker.

Hey, hey, hey! Who said dating was now made void? Cause it isn't necessarily. No no. We will not be going back to arranged marriages here. As I said before, this world is ever changing and with it, traditions are abolished and new ways are brought into full view. But we as Christians must figure out how to live in it while not being of it.

I was recently reading through Song of Solomon in my ESV Study Bible cause I'm kinky like that. While looking over Wayne Grudem's footnotes on each verse I was brought to a richer understanding of the text (I focused mostly on the "She" or "Bride's" Chapter's or Sections). Clearly, these two are very much in love. However, they lie in wait of one another, as they are betrothed and have not yet undergone the marriage ceremony which happens later on in the book. The key word here is "betrothed." In this day, we'd call that engaged because they are undoubtedly going to be married to one another.
*It is good to also note that, back then, kissing in a romantic sense, was only left for private places. Kissing, like family member kissing, was open and welcome. The bride-to-be says that she wishes that her beloved was her brother so that she could kiss him openly and as often as she'd like.
Song of Solomon is our only full book in the Bible solely dedicated to a love story, and one which has probably the most varying interpretations of any other book. But, as I read it, I get a sense for both the story of two people in love with each other and also the divine romance that occurs between Christ and his bride, the church.

But, where is dating in the Bible?

Yeah, no it's not there. Dating wasn't really a "thing" back then. But we do know that, as the Bride of SoS talks to other ladies who have not yet been spoken for, she warns them against "arousing or awakening love."

Oh, yeah. That's just like sex and sexual stuff. Oh, we know that. Yeah, that one's obvious.

But, can it just mean sex? Or can it simply mean "love," i.e. being in love? And how does one arouse that feeling of love? That commitment of love? That rock that is love? There are many different kinds of love, but, like the love between Christ and his Bride, it is a love that conquers death and that brings new life. Now that's love.

Well, after seeing the trial and error that my friends went through (both metaphorically and literally), I know one thing that remains true: God is enough. Though your heart may yearn for a kiss, a hand, a touch, a word from someone you admire, God is enough to sustain you. And when you meet someone who you think is the one, and you want to cuddle all over them and show them your love, God will "satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land." Remember who you're really committed to and you will not be shattered.

And there may be a time ordained for you, to find the one you are to love but before them come others who shadow in comparison. But, how are you to discern? You don't know who's out there. You hardly know what you want. How are you to know if the one who could be is not the one who will?

I could go into detail about what different types of dating my friends and I came up with, but that woud make this post more like a novel. I'll save those details for another time, I think. But, I will mention one thing that was extremely important in our analysis of our dating how tos:

No expectations.

Seems pretty simple, right? Well, as a lady, I can tell you that that is no short order. Especially as a girl with an insatiably wild imagination. I mean, even when I see a cute guy pass me in the hall I think about what our children would look like. (Yeah, girls are nuts. I'm not the only one). And at an age where our hearts are itching, it's hard when you think you've met the one you're going to marry to not get a little carried away with the planning. Sometimes, it's even mutual; both parties are planning together and lo and behold, it comes to an end. See that red alert? Again, no expectations. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. If there is no real commitment then there's no guarantee that it's going to work out.

So proceed with caution. Keep it incredibly friendly, especially in the beginning. And, please, try to hold back on the physical side of things. Always strive for purity and holiness and know that your Savior, too, was tempted and overcame it. Let him inspire you. Yes, you may date people if you so choose, but verbalize strict boundaries and keep your husband in mind... MEANING: You must remember that if you do end up marrying someone, you do not know who he is at present. Therefore, be wary of your actions with the one you're dating. And in this crazy process, you may get hurt and you may falter, but the rain will strengthen your soul in the end and you will grow. And, most importantly, always remember to keep your sights set on the kingdom; run the race set before you; run to Jesus.

And, with joy, we can know that, if God so wills it, your beloved will come, daughters, and he'll be running that race right along side you. He will be before you and you will search him and you will learn him and you will find him in his mind and in his heart and realize that he has the same core doctrines as you; he is lover of Christ. And he surprises you and you grow in your knowledge and wisdom from him and he from you daily and he makes you want to be better. You find an affection and a care for him. And all of a sudden, you have grown so deep that your friendship becomes something more. And so oxygen floods the embers, and the thoughts begin to race and the dreams begin to grow. But, you check yourself. But, you remain at bay. You remember her words and know that you stand on dangerous ground. But so does he. And there are no aversions. And it is a love that forgives and a love that forgets and a love that is willing to die so that the other may live. It mirrors our Lord and his beloved. And there you find the commitment and there you find the ring that means forever and it is there that the journey has only just begun.

For me, I've got my priorities and I know where I stand. I know that my patience must be stretched a little longer. But I know, oh how I know, that my God has sustained me, that he is blessing me and that it is good. I used to be a wreck when it came to thoughts of love. I used to mourn over it. It was shameful, I do admit. But in my heart and in my mind I am convinced that the love of the Lord is sharp and true and his plan overarches my life; I'm on the float, but he's looking at the whole parade. And I trust in him and in his word, in his promises. I know that his plans are better than mine and that the wait will be so very worth it.

With faith I press on in contentment and in joy.

Real Tired: A Springtime Rant by Yours Truly

As this new year rolls in and the season of flowers, sunshine and butterflies breaks through the fog and frost, I consider a few things.
The change in weather means a change in wardrobe. But who said I was ready for that? I suppose it's my very own fault that I indulged a bit too much over the holiday season. Nonetheless, I am a California girl, born and bred, which means: when the sun comes out, the clothes come off. MEANING, beaches and... bathing suits. Two piece, in your face, bathing suits. Not only am I not ready for that, but the public sure as heck is not ready for that.
Now don't you go all, "Oh my gosh, no, stop it, you're beautiful," or, "What are you talking about? Don't put yourself down like that," because that's not what I'm saying at all. I do believe that I am beautiful and I am not putting myself down.
Allow me to explain.
Why am I not ready for that? Well, as I mentioned before, I got a little too comfortable with the treats that reign supreme after Turkey Day and yeah, I gained some massive poundage. Weighing myself in the beginning of January, I knew it would be a gruesome number. And yeah, it was. I was at my heaviest once again. But unlike my high school days when I would weigh myself or look in the mirror and shed too many tears over it, I gave a dark chuckle. I saw my body change and I was disappointed with myself. Not to the point of sheer terror but more like, "Wow, was I careless and boy, do I have some work to do." It wasn't as much of a surprise as it was motivating factor. I'm dissatisfied and frankly, slightly overweight. So for the glory of the Lord and for my future, I will lose weight. On that day, I made an executive decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle in order to get me back to a healthy weight and place where I was happy with how my body looked, for me and me alone. And and it wasn't going to be some new years resolution that drifts away midsummer. I was and am serious and I count my calories daily and choose my meals wisely.
What brought me to such a rational and positive conclusion? Well, I took myself up off that scale and researched. Thank the good Lord for WebMD where I can put in all of my information and it can assess where I am at and what I must do to be where I'd like to be. And not only this, it told me the range of weight which is considered healthy for someone of my age, height and weight. Now, that was shocking. My range was from 112 lbs to 150 lbs. Who would've guessed such a scale? So wide. So encouraging. Really! I didn't have to lose thirty pounds to be healthy, but just a few to be okay again. So, heck, if I'm healthy, who's to say my body is wrong? Which brings me to my next address.
Now, why isn't the public okay with where I'm at? And, you know, that really just brings me back to my own thoughts about "the collective human eye." For some reason, the only time I can remember the beach being a place of simple, pure enjoyment was when I was a toddler and had little to no cares about how people perceived me. But, with age and puberty, this little mind of mine, tainted with sin and deception, caused me to stumble and judge myself harshly. Thankfully, through Christ alone, I am now in a place where I really don't care how people look at me and how they judge me from afar. I'm in hot pursuit of being more like Jesus, being sanctified by Him on a daily basis; I'm trying my hardest to consider how he views me. And sure, there are self-conscious twinges that leak through, but it's not as overwhelming anymore.
Yet, why do I still say that "the public sure as heck is not ready for that"?  Does this mean I care what they think? No. The public isn't ready because, no matter how I view myself, many people will point their cruel finger at me from a mile away and tell me who or what I am based on my body, especially if I'm actually overweight. No, not everyone thinks that way.

But, in short, it is their own body complex and their own misconceptions about who they think they themselves should be that makes people look at me through such a narrow lens.


And the beach, where people tend to show the most skin, is a breeding ground for unhappy thoughts. It's a Judgment Day merely based on appearance, and that is incredibly unfortunate, 'cause, gosh darn it, I wanna bask in the sunshine and I wanna romp around in the waves; maybe even catch a few with my board. I don't need your eyes on me. But, I know how they would look at me, because I used to look at me that way. Psh, you bet I'm beautiful simply because I know I am the handiwork of the God of the universe. Nonetheless, I know I'm not like those girls in the magazines. This doesn't mean I won't go to the beach, cause I just might. But, honestly, I just don't like being in such a negative environment.
Which brings me to my next point: the irony of society. For my most of my life I have been given many an image of what a woman should do, who she should be and, of course, what an ideal woman should look like. And yes, I am real tired of what the media has to say. I mean, just talking about this issue is obscenely exhausting. It's almost becoming cliché. And, you want to know why? Because I am now twenty years old and for as long as I can remember, there has been both the strife over trying to be that woman and the clamor of trying to tell people that they don't have to be that woman. And the argument rings on even today. But, even though we've been talking about it for over two decades, clothing models aren't getting any bigger unless they are selling specifically to "bigger" women. I can honestly say I have no idea when the madness will end. Jesus, come soon.
Sure there have been campaigns which say, "Hail to the real woman! We're all different! And most of us don't look like that! So why not use a variety of women to sell your clothes, because a variety of women are buying them!"
Quick side note: Imagine if only "skinny" ladies bought clothes at stores like Free People, Urban Outfitters, Target, Hollister, etc. Well, for one, all of us other girls would have to learn to sew. But, most of all, those places would go out of business in a heartbeat. Or maybe even be forced to appeal to everyone? *gasp* But, like a utopian society, the concept is practically unrealistic and I don't think a boycott of such proportions is on the horizon, or even in the distant, distant future. Not to mention most of us don't know how nor do we have the time to make our own. (However, if we did achieve such a skill, I'm sure Joanne's Fabrics would be popping up around town quicker than the speed of your multiple, local Starbucks and the lost art of needlepoint would be lost no longer. Our grandmother's would also give us a hefty high five, I do declare.) I digress.
No matter how much we rant in online articles and support such campaigns, things still aren't changing. Yeah, they're apologizing and removing photographs, but they're not hiring a whole new staff because of one little setback. No, it remains the same as it ever was and little girls like I once was will cry into their mirrors because they don't look like that. Here's hoping that they have mommies strong enough to tell them otherwise!
And let me say, too, that all of this absolutely applies to the male population as well. However, I must state with some certainty, and I think men would agree, that women get the bulk of the scrutiny. Why is this? Maybe because, yeah, we tend to like clothes and makeup and feeling pretty in that new dress and trying out that new mascara. It's fun! It's not to say we aren't just as beautiful with no clothes and no makeup on (oo la la!), but, to me, it's like almost like art. It's an expression of what you like and who you are inside; it displays your personality. And so, we women are their biggest clients and all we're seeing in their ads are women in a weight range that may not even be healthy for us. Lame. So lame. Are there any models out there who are 5'5 and 150 lbs? Doubtful. I don't even know if there are models who are 5'9 and weigh a 150 lbs. Possible, but it's a fat chance (ba dum tss).
Basically, I'm just real tired. Real tired of there not being a girl who looks just like me in a dress that I would look pretty smokin' in. Amiright? I see pretty girls everywhere I go, everywhere I go, everywhere I go and they are wearing some outfit that I admire because, darn it, they look fantastic and they do mostly because of the way their body was made (however that may be). I understand the versatility a slender woman has with a lot of different styles of clothes, so you could say it's easier to dress them. I can tell you right now that there are some items I would feel extremely uncomfortable in because of my body shape. But, many a time I will find that a curvalicious woman would look stellar in a dress that looks alright on a girl half her size, and visa versa.
I'm real tired of the same ole same ole because frankly, that's all I've seen. A change would be ever-so refreshing, thank you very much. It makes me want to make my own line and just do it myself. I don't think anyone would have a problem with that. I feel like most people, too, would find it a novel idea. I suppose you could say it would feel like a Spring after a twenty year long winter (hashtag Narnia).
End rant.

 

Psalms 139: 13-16

NIV

 

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Poetry Hour: Entry 4: The Divide

The Divide

 

Such destruction. Such a divide.

Our generation draws the line.

The gray grows opaque and our eyes can

 differentiate

the state that we are in.

 

A price will be paid.

A choice must be made.

Believe in yourself

or hold onto your faith.

 

Such disruption. A vivid divide.

There are only two, so pick a side.

You're in or you're out, so rethink all your

doubts

and shout loud and drown the din.

 

The masters are chosen.

Whether you think so or not.

Come together, cast your lot.

Here we are, unwoven.

 

Self destruction. Such a collide.

Our generation takes their sides.

The gray is gone and with the dawn our blades are

drawn

and the fawn will feel his sin.

 

Lead us into battle.

The Sun covers the sky.

The chains begin to rattle.

One of us must die.

 

 

 

Begin Again // The Getaway

2014. One more big year for me; a big year of change. I will turn 21, begin my education at an actual University and officially start living on my own. I sense that in the coming years I will grow in ways I couldn't have imagined myself. 2013 was precious to me and I will always remember it as a time when I truly let go and took hold of myself. It opened me up to be a person who isn't as afraid, who dares to do things independently, who let's loose of strings that once were tied too tight. I find that I am now a woman of more strength and understanding, yet still am humbled by the immense amount of things that remain a mystery to me. I faced struggles within and outside of myself and fought through them with the Lord's help alone and I remain thankful for each trial, for each storm, for each tear and each lesson learned; I have faith that whenever a part of me is cut away I am formed and chiseled into what the Lord shall make of me. He is always good. So very, very good. No matter what fog clouds my eyes, what pain is in front of or behind me, He is good.

2014 stands before me, glimmering with the unknown. I find that each year, the zone of comfort I have developed for myself dwindles further still and I must learn how to exist more and more on my own. Little by little people drift away that were once so near and the challenges of independence stare me in the face more than ever. Soon enough, I'll have just me and my Jesus as I take myself across the pond again... but I'll worry about that when it is upon me.

Now, I must buckle down because I know I have to. If I want to achieve my dreams I must work at them and finishing a major and minor in just two years is going to take a lot of dedication, not to mention trying to save up for grad school along the way. But I'm ready for it. I notice now looking back that I have been preparing to take on this sort of load for some time now and I didn't even realize it. So, let this year be another year of change, another year of growth and, especially, another year of inexplicable ADVENTURE.

 

Isaiah 40:30-31

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

 

 

Lyric Love: The Blood in the Bowl

Like my "Poetry Hour" entries, I've also decided to publish some of the songs that I have written here. I wish I knew how to play an instrument (I'm working on it, k?) so I could sing them so the tune that's in my head could come across to you as well. But, alas, I have yet to gain the skill. So, for now, here are some lyrics that I wrote up quite awhile ago. (Come to think of it, most of my poetry entries have been from awhile ago, too. Hopefully I can get some more recent work up here soon... and hopefully it will show that I have improved!) Enjoy?

The Blood in the Bowl

Painting pictures on the wall

Of every single breath and every wake

Your canvas makes me feel so small

Your colors drip, your heart is fake

Dipping brushes in every bloody bowl

Trying to make love with every stroke

Slitting flesh to make it all seem whole

Striking walls until they’ve finally broke

I cannot live with my heart still broken

What can fill the missing space?

With lust must come words unspoken

It’s in your eyes, it’s in your face

You can’t fix me

You can’t trick me anymore

Your body gives me nothing

Without your heart, what was it for?

I’m wasted out, washed up and damned to glean

Someone come and save me,

Break my chains, enslave me

With that love make me clean

Every glide seems darker still

And every moment grows a haze

At the time it seemed a thrill

Now I’m left with memories you gave

Masterpieces turn to trash

Great works are thrown to dirt

Thoughts remain of a guilty past

A heart still bleeds and beats with hurt

I cannot live with my heart still broken

What can fill the missing space?

With lust must come words unspoken

It’s in your eyes, it’s in your face

You can’t fix me

You can’t trick me anymore

Your body gives me nothing

Without your heart, what was it for?

I’m wasted out, washed up and damned to glean

Someone come and save me,

Break my chains, enslave me

With that love make me clean

Painting pictures on the wall

Of every single breath and every wake

Your canvas makes me feel so small

Your colors drip, your heart is fake

Poetry Hour: Entry 3: Evermore

Evermore

 

Come make it worth it

Come be a part

Come and be perfect

Come steal my heart

Bring me to a place

Where everything is green

Where the freckles on your face

Are not quite what they seem

Where your eyes dance as stars

And the earth melts to sky

Where there’s beauty in your scars

And it’s something you can’t deny

Touch the dust in the air

Knowing they’re flecks of gold

Watch sparkles light your hair

Knowing we won’t grow old

Come make it worth it

Come be a part

Come and be perfect

Come, don’t break my heart

Run across the mountain

Let your lungs let go the strife

Lie with me in the fountain

Waters drenching us with life

Is it so new this feeling of love?

Is it not something we knew before?

Is it not the adoration of the dove

Which overflows from him evermore?

Now let it be known to us two

And those we hold most dear

That this we share is blessed to few

And nothing, except He, can interfere

Come make it worth it

Come be a part

Come and be perfect

Come hold my heart

A Girl Can Dream

There is this anxious feeling that I have become accustomed to nowadays. This terror incessantly pokes at my insides whenever I consider my future. I'm not alone in this, of course. Most young people in my collegiate position most likely will feel this at some point or another, whether or not they are majoring in the most desirable course that they know statistically will bring them success after graduation.

 I have chosen the life of a writer. A creative writer. In this day and age that profession seems a little... well... unprofitable in the aspect of economics. But I have been blessed with talents that really leave me no other choice than to pursue a career in some artistic form, whether that be music, writing or art itself. (That, is, unless I choose do go down some path doing something that doesn't come easily to me and that I don't necessarily enjoy. No, I refuse to choose something that I know will not bring me some sort of happiness even if that means possible financial struggles. Misery shall not haunt me.). With all this in mind I then have to consider: Why would God give me these talents if he did not want me to use them and use them for his glory? Worry strikes, though. Creative writing is hardly a lucrative profession. Singing? I mean, think about the industry. The media would eat you alive alone, not to mention the pressure. Art? Well, you're not that good. I mean maybe you could get better if you worked at it but even then, there's competition and you'd have to really stand out. But even if you did any of these things, the only people making the real money are the ones who have really made it and that's next to impossible. Come on! Get your head on straight! Don't be dumb! All this screaming in my ear, negative thoughts racing around my head, eating away at any hopes I once had... And then the voices quiet themselves and the noise fades away.  "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you," (Matthew 6:33). Oh, me of little faith, how much more will my heavenly Father provide for me than for the birds of the air? So I cannot be anxious if I know I am in hot pursuit of the kingdom and the righteousness of the Lord.

No man knows the plans of the Lord before He wills it. So, what are we to do then, if we don't know what he wants us to do with our life? Well, first and foremost, seek after the kingdom of the Lord and his righteousness, as was said before. So, while thinking of a career path and a future for myself, I have to wonder, "What can I do for the kingdom of the Lord and how can I pursue righteousness? How can I bring glory to the Lord in all that I do?"

He has given me the tools, now I have to use them. I recognized at a young age how much I enjoyed writing and drawing and singing. Back then, I had selfish desires, I will admit, to use those talents to bring recognition and wealth to myself. I don't really feel that way anymore especially knowing that the Lord will give me exactly what I need and I don't have to worry if I am following him closely. He promises joy to those who draw near to him because he is joy. And who doesn't like to be joyful?

Considering all of these things, I have come to some conclusions about who I am and what my future may hold. One, I was born a writer, an artist and a vocal musician, whether or not I'm really brilliant in any of those fields. But, I do sometimes have to think of practicality, and with writing, well... I can use that anywhere. And my imagination is pretty colorful, if I do say so myself. That's also a blessing... most of the time. I know I have the basics down to be successful, but I have to keep working hard at it; I want to be the best that I know I can be.

Next year I am going to Biola University in La Mirada, CA which is not far from where I live now. I chose that school because I not only can major in English with an emphasis on Creative Writing, but I also am able to study theology because, well, it is the Bible Institute of Los Angeles and we are required to have a minor in Bible upon graduation. Of course, private schools tend to be expensive, so I have been completing my GE credits here at my local community college, which has been pretty great as far as community college life goes! I hope to get my degree in, at most, two years (but maybe two and a half.... Hey, it's a lot to do in two years, k?) So after about two years, I'm done, right?

No. Na uh. Not done. Nope.

I have been working at the St. Regis here in my hometown for a little over a month now. The wonderful thing about the Starwood Company (which is the overseer of St. Regis and many other luxury hotels) is that they are all about giving their employees opportunities to grow, learn and reach their potential... and they also have St. Regis' all over the globe.

If you had read some of my earlier posts, you would know that I went to Oxford, England last semester to study abroad. I really loved it. Like, it's almost an understatement saying that I simply loved it. It was life changing. And, oh hey, look at that! There's a St. Regis in London. Right next to Buckingham Palace. Okay. Stahp. This St. Regis is called The Lanesborough and what I am hoping to do is transfer over there. Knowing how expensive the UK can be to live in for a little ole American gal such as myself I think I might just take a year off and work full time exclusively where I'm at now to save up money. Once I have enough... well, Lanesborough here I come! Look out London! But, wait wait. What about all that hard work you did getting your bachelors? You're just going to go work hospitality now?

Again, No. Na uh. Not done. Nope.

While I was studying at Oxford and learning about the school and its history I was compelled to dream a dream and that dream was to get my graduate's degree from Oxford University. Now, I'm not saying that that dream is impossible, just not very plausible. I haven't the money to go to a school of that caliber, really, and living in the UK alone is crazy expensive. Okay, so maybe not Oxford Uni, but what about something actually in London, hmm?

About a week ago, I was having that anxious heart again, thinking about what I was to do after I graduated. And as all of this was swimming through my head, I had to break out ye old smartphone and search for graduate schools in London that offered MA's in Writing or Creative Writing or something along those lines. As I gleaned over some sites that gave pretty good analyses of the university programs offered I finally found one that really caught my eye.

If you know anything about universities in the UK, they tend to have an overarching university (such as Oxford University) and then have colleges that make up the university itself. For example, while I was at Oxford, we used the facilities of two different colleges, Lincoln and St. Hilda's, which were both part of Oxford University. Okay okay, so the point is, The University of London has a ton of different colleges with in it spread about the entirety of London. Only one I found has exactly what I was looking for and it's called Royal Holloway. And I figuratively DIED because... Well, look for yourself, first of all.

Founder's Building, Royal Holloway University of London

(photo taken from Google Images -- Sorry it's a little pixely :/ )

Ya, k, Hogwarts much? Anyways, this is the main campus. Now at Royal Holloway they have a MA for creative writing and different tracks to go on, such as Fiction, Poetry, Life Writing, etc. I personally would choose the Fiction track cause I wanna write books n' stuff. Contrary to what you may think, the load I would be taking on education wise is pretty minimal; classes are only held once or twice a week (Come at me Lanesborough. I shall work you to the fullest!) They are also held in Central London, whereas the above main campus is on the outskirts of the city in a little place called Surrey. (Shoutout to "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet. I wanna be you in that movie, Kate. Let me be you.) I would be there for two years, by choice (it's less expensive that way), and hopefully be working a salaried job rather than having a bi-weekly paycheck. I repeat, it takes crazy money to live in London, especially in the districts where both my school and work are located. Which brings me to my next point - Between The Lanesborough and my MA courses is only a few miles; They are literally ten minutes apart by public transit. If I can find myself a place smack dab in the middle of the two, it's five minutes to work and five minutes to school and I'm chillin. I'd have to get used to the Metro life, but that's the least of the changes I would be experiencing.

Alright, so that leaves me here: Two years in London and coming out with a MA in Creative Writing and a lot life lived. Now what?

Well I don't think I'm finished yet. What's also cool about Royal Holloway is that they offer a Creative Writing and Practice-based PhD. PhD. Yes, PhD. And it only takes one year. Imagine me coming out with a PhD in my field! Look out job market, I will write ALL OVER YOU with my new title. And from this there are many routes I could take and we'll see what happens. But what I do know is that I eventually want to get some teaching credentials and possibly be a professor at some swanky private school in Santa Barbara which I always wanted to go to but could never afford.... *cough*cough* And this PhD has me basically writing a book the whole time and in the end I turn in the finished work. Well there's one down! (And if you don't already know, I have been so inspired by C.S. Lewis' work with his Narnia books that I want to do just the same with mine. But instead of children's books I want to write them for young adults. That will be my work for the kingdom, among other things of course.)

So that leaves me three years at school in London with a book published and a lot of other stories to tell along side it. Hey, a girl can dream can't she? That's as far as my eyes can see, but God's plan could be completely different. I'm just taking what he's thrown at me and rolled with it and I am forever thankful. 

 Do Not Be Anxious - Matthew 6:25-34

Jesus

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?...Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.'"