I have written before about my ultimately single state and I have written before about my contentment, but what I'm about to discuss is something I haven't yet touched on to this degree. Now, this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, but mostly to those fitting in this little slot that I find myself in as well.
With a new generation and a new kind of world, change occurs rapidly. With no compass, people of this world wander about trying to make sense of things. But some "truths" remain self-evident: Dating is a very regular, very normal thing to the world and if you aren't doing it then maybe there's something wrong with you. From a Christian perspective, it is not so.
Now I am twenty years old. For some that would mean that I am at an age where marriage is somewhat appropriate. Nonetheless, I am approaching an age of union, togetherness, and, yes, baby making. Weird. But true. I have some friends who may have already met their match and others who are still "in the market." But I am neither. And why? Here's why.
As I said, I've mentioned before about how single I am. As a recap, I'll tell you that, never have I ever: had a boyfriend, been on a date, held hands with another boy, nor had my first kiss. Yes, I am as single as it gets. If you'll remember correctly, I am full of joy and am completely satisfied in my current state. But here's something that I know now that I didn't necessarily know back then: my dreams are taking me in places that I couldn't have imagined... and those places; those achievements prevent me from taking someone for my own at present and in the near future.
My friend and I like to joke about the thought process we possessed as teenagers. Junior High: Oh, yeah, we'll definitely have boyfriends in high school. For sure. There's like 500 kids at that school. We're bound to find someone who will have us. High School: You kidding me? College is the breeding ground for relationships, if there ever was one. I mean, Ring by Spring? Ever heard of it? That is where dating really goes down.
And now, little old university me looks at my next two years and says.... Grad School. Yup. Final answer. That's it. I'm going to fly to London, go to Grad School, meet my British sweetheart and live happily ever after with my royal hubby. But who's to say that will really work out? Obviously God has had a bigger and better plan in mind this whole time and continues to surprise me.
But what are my intentions? In whom do they lie? What is my ultimate goal and how am I to reach it?
This is where I find a little piece of wisdom that should be looked at when the question of dating really comes up. Who should I date? Should I even date at all?
"But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7
"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." Song of Solomon 2:7
My life's goal is to bring glory to the Lord, seeking after His Kingdom and His righteousness and to fear him for all that He is. Everything I do and everything I intend to do should be centered around him, his commands, and his ultimate plan for my life.
Now where exactly does dating come into play for me if I'm first seeking to better myself in Him to prepare myself for my work for his kingdom? I want to go to grad school so I can get as much knowledge as I can on the subject I am studying so that my ultimate work can bring him glory and honor. That is my priority. So where does a man fit in? Well if the Lord is leading me overseas, then any relationship I were to have now would have to end.... unless he followed me all the way there. I mean, through the Lord, anything could happen; it's possible, but not probable.
But my situation is unique. Or is it?
Well, yes. It is, technically. But in this day and age, women are looking to study hard for a potential career. No, I'm no feminist, but women have made strides over the past few decades to accomplish a lot of leeway for our sex in that job-fighting jungle. But women have a special place in God's eyes in which many feminists or liberals of the world today would look down upon, saying that we women are not "helping the cause" or "reaching our potential."
What I'm talking about now are my friends who have chosen the life of a stay at home mom. They have no educational intentions towards a career. Sure, they want to grow in their intelligence, learning more about God's great creation, but they would rather just dedicate their lives to being both a wife and mother. That's their road, and dating for them is an open door to their goal to achieve their work for God's kingdom.
However, no matter what your intentions are, whether they are to establish a career first and then focus on marriage and motherhood, or to skip the first and run straight to home, dating is a tricky, sticky situation. Like the verse from Song of Solomon, dating must be handled with caution; we don't want to arouse or awaken anything that God wants kept quietly sleeping.
A few years ago, my group of friends, all Christ-loving children of God, tried to tackle this "dating" thing. The question was: What is the most holy way of dating? ..... Now that seems absolutely awful. To the untrained ear, "Holy Dating" sounds as if it would require rules such as: both parties must wear monk attire, must not make direct eye contact and stay at least thirty-nine and a half feet away from each other at all times. And touching is strictly prohibited. Don't even think about, you Jezebel, you.
But honestly, if our goal as followers of Christ is to be sanctified daily, bring glory to the Lord and walk in his truth, we as saints are striving for holiness, because our savior was, indeed, holy (and thankfully, by his blood, we are too!). If everything we do, we do in lieu of who he is, then dating, yes, must be sought after in holiness and, yes, for his glory and not just our ultimate enjoyment.
Stop, Olivia. You're taking the fun out of everything, you fun sucker. You bitterly single fun sucker.
Hey, hey, hey! Who said dating was now made void? Cause it isn't necessarily. No no. We will not be going back to arranged marriages here. As I said before, this world is ever changing and with it, traditions are abolished and new ways are brought into full view. But we as Christians must figure out how to live in it while not being of it.
I was recently reading through Song of Solomon in my ESV Study Bible cause I'm kinky like that. While looking over Wayne Grudem's footnotes on each verse I was brought to a richer understanding of the text (I focused mostly on the "She" or "Bride's" Chapter's or Sections). Clearly, these two are very much in love. However, they lie in wait of one another, as they are betrothed and have not yet undergone the marriage ceremony which happens later on in the book. The key word here is "betrothed." In this day, we'd call that engaged because they are undoubtedly going to be married to one another.
*It is good to also note that, back then, kissing in a romantic sense, was only left for private places. Kissing, like family member kissing, was open and welcome. The bride-to-be says that she wishes that her beloved was her brother so that she could kiss him openly and as often as she'd like.
Song of Solomon is our only full book in the Bible solely dedicated to a love story, and one which has probably the most varying interpretations of any other book. But, as I read it, I get a sense for both the story of two people in love with each other and also the divine romance that occurs between Christ and his bride, the church.
But, where is dating in the Bible?
Yeah, no it's not there. Dating wasn't really a "thing" back then. But we do know that, as the Bride of SoS talks to other ladies who have not yet been spoken for, she warns them against "arousing or awakening love."
Oh, yeah. That's just like sex and sexual stuff. Oh, we know that. Yeah, that one's obvious.
But, can it just mean sex? Or can it simply mean "love," i.e. being in love? And how does one arouse that feeling of love? That commitment of love? That rock that is love? There are many different kinds of love, but, like the love between Christ and his Bride, it is a love that conquers death and that brings new life. Now that's love.
Well, after seeing the trial and error that my friends went through (both metaphorically and literally), I know one thing that remains true: God is enough. Though your heart may yearn for a kiss, a hand, a touch, a word from someone you admire, God is enough to sustain you. And when you meet someone who you think is the one, and you want to cuddle all over them and show them your love, God will "satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land." Remember who you're really committed to and you will not be shattered.
And there may be a time ordained for you, to find the one you are to love but before them come others who shadow in comparison. But, how are you to discern? You don't know who's out there. You hardly know what you want. How are you to know if the one who could be is not the one who will?
I could go into detail about what different types of dating my friends and I came up with, but that woud make this post more like a novel. I'll save those details for another time, I think. But, I will mention one thing that was extremely important in our analysis of our dating how tos:
No expectations.
Seems pretty simple, right? Well, as a lady, I can tell you that that is no short order. Especially as a girl with an insatiably wild imagination. I mean, even when I see a cute guy pass me in the hall I think about what our children would look like. (Yeah, girls are nuts. I'm not the only one). And at an age where our hearts are itching, it's hard when you think you've met the one you're going to marry to not get a little carried away with the planning. Sometimes, it's even mutual; both parties are planning together and lo and behold, it comes to an end. See that red alert? Again, no expectations. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. If there is no real commitment then there's no guarantee that it's going to work out.
So proceed with caution. Keep it incredibly friendly, especially in the beginning. And, please, try to hold back on the physical side of things. Always strive for purity and holiness and know that your Savior, too, was tempted and overcame it. Let him inspire you. Yes, you may date people if you so choose, but verbalize strict boundaries and keep your husband in mind... MEANING: You must remember that if you do end up marrying someone, you do not know who he is at present. Therefore, be wary of your actions with the one you're dating. And in this crazy process, you may get hurt and you may falter, but the rain will strengthen your soul in the end and you will grow. And, most importantly, always remember to keep your sights set on the kingdom; run the race set before you; run to Jesus.
And, with joy, we can know that, if God so wills it, your beloved will come, daughters, and he'll be running that race right along side you. He will be before you and you will search him and you will learn him and you will find him in his mind and in his heart and realize that he has the same core doctrines as you; he is lover of Christ. And he surprises you and you grow in your knowledge and wisdom from him and he from you daily and he makes you want to be better. You find an affection and a care for him. And all of a sudden, you have grown so deep that your friendship becomes something more. And so oxygen floods the embers, and the thoughts begin to race and the dreams begin to grow. But, you check yourself. But, you remain at bay. You remember her words and know that you stand on dangerous ground. But so does he. And there are no aversions. And it is a love that forgives and a love that forgets and a love that is willing to die so that the other may live. It mirrors our Lord and his beloved. And there you find the commitment and there you find the ring that means forever and it is there that the journey has only just begun.
For me, I've got my priorities and I know where I stand. I know that my patience must be stretched a little longer. But I know, oh how I know, that my God has sustained me, that he is blessing me and that it is good. I used to be a wreck when it came to thoughts of love. I used to mourn over it. It was shameful, I do admit. But in my heart and in my mind I am convinced that the love of the Lord is sharp and true and his plan overarches my life; I'm on the float, but he's looking at the whole parade. And I trust in him and in his word, in his promises. I know that his plans are better than mine and that the wait will be so very worth it.
With faith I press on in contentment and in joy.
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